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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26045383">Even A Hipster Doofus Can Make You Feel Safe</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/missrhondalee/pseuds/missrhondalee'>missrhondalee</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Seinfeld</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Assault, F/M, Friendship, Mugging, NYC, New York, set between season five and six</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 09:20:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,288</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26045383</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/missrhondalee/pseuds/missrhondalee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Elaine's bad luck takes a dark turn.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cosmo Kramer/Elaine Benes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Even A Hipster Doofus Can Make You Feel Safe</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Snowflakes hit her face the second Elaine Benes walked up the steps out of the subway station. Usually, she was always looking forward to spending Christmastime in New York but this year she knew it would be the opposite of festive. Hell broke loose when good things started happening for George. He'd decided to turn his life around by doing the opposite of what he would usually do. Somehow the minute he changed, her life began to fall apart. First, her boyfriend broke up with her all because she'd bought candy after learning he'd been in an accident. Okay, that might be perceived as insensitive but it wasn't like she didn't go visit him. The candy counter was just there! It wasn't like she'd gone across the street for pizza. Then after he broke up with her, she learned she was going to get evicted from her apartment because she accidentally buzzed in a jewel thief. How the hell was she supposed to know who she let in? One mistake and she was out of a place to live and now to top it all off, she'd lost her job at Pendant Publishing because Mr Lippman went out of business all because the guy refused to shake the hand of the head of Matsushimi. So now, she was single, jobless and soon homeless too. Needless to say she was miserable. Even more when George's life was turning around. He got an attractive girlfriend, landed a job offer with the New York Yankees and moved out of his parents' house! Wouldn't you be depressed too if George Costanza was more successful than you?</p><p>A week ago she had everything going for her. Now Elaine was counting every single penny she spent. She was actually on her way to Jerry's place to see if she couldn't mooch off dinner because she was absolutely famished. It was almost nine o'clock and the fact there was basically no one in the streets kind of threw her off guard. It was New York. There always was a ton of people. But tonight somehow, it was quiet. Quiet but freezing. She pressed her arms against her closer into her chest and quickened her pace so she would get to his apartment building faster. As she was turning into the corner, she stumbled upon an ATM machine and her anxiety about having no money made her stomach churn. Who knows how long it would take her to get a new job but in the meantime she had to monitor her expenses. Although, she'd checked her balance when she left her apartment she couldn't help but wanting to check again. Maybe someone up there took pity on her and deposited money into her account! Just as she dug through her bag for her wallet, cursing under her breath for the amount of useless crap there was in it, she heard footsteps getting closer to her and the sound of a gun clicking just inches from her. Thinking it was just a product of her overactive imagination, Elaine shook it off and resumed her search for her credit card. The gun clicking a second time however made her realize this was no dream and Elaine saw her life flash before her very eyes when she turned around and found herself inches from the pointed gun. "One sudden move and you're dead."</p><p>"You scream and you're dead."</p><p>Elaine whimpered, her pulse beating in her ears blocking all other sounds. Including the guy's voice and if she didn't want to die, she should probably force herself to listen.</p><p>"Are you fucking deaf? I told you to put your card into the machine. "</p><p>She shook her head, "I don't have any money."</p><p>"Just do it!" he pointed the gun even closer to her face and Elaine nodded quickly.</p><p>"Okay. Okay." her hands shook violently as she miserably tried to locate her wallet. When she miraculously managed to find it, she was so terrified her shaking made the wallet fly out of her hand. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."</p><p>"Hurry up, you stupid bitch! You think I have all night?"</p><p>Elaine panted picking the wallet off the ground and she breathed a sigh of relief when her shaking didn't send her credit card flying too. He yelled at her to hurry up again when she struggled to insert the card the right way.</p><p>"I'm going as fast as I can!"</p><p>She turned her head around slightly, "You know, you're robbing the wrong person. I got nothing."</p><p>The guy snorted, "Yeah, y'all say that."</p><p>"Okay, let's see what we got here." he groaned when he realized the bitch was right. There was $16! "What in fresh hell is this?!"</p><p>"I told you I didn't have anything. I lost my job-"</p><p>Puffing and certainly not wanting to go away empty handed, the guy snatched the bag from her. "I told you I don't have anything." She repeated again.</p><p>"Shut up!"</p><p>Elaine watched him as he emptied it completely with one hand while pointing the gun at her with the other. He got majorly frustrated realizing she might be telling the truth.</p><p>"Fuck!"</p><p>"You believe me now?"</p><p>"Will you shut the hell up?!"  he screamed in her face as the tip of the gun now brushed against her temple. "Where's the cash? I know you've got some. Either you give it to me or I'm gonna have to search ya."</p><p>Elaine cursed herself for not having been fast enough to pepper spray him when she had the chance. So this was how she was going to die, huh?</p><p>"I don't have anything."</p><p>Elaine's anxiety was at its maximum and she couldn't help but finally start crying when he forced her to remove her scarf and coat.</p><p>She stammered, "Y-You don't want to do this. How about you walk away and we forget this ever happened?"</p><p>"Oh, well, would you look at that? The lady got jewelry. Now, you're talking." before she had time to react, he snatched the necklace off her neck. She immediately brought her hands to her neck to massage it. "The ring too."</p><p>She shook her head, "No. Not the ring, please-"</p><p>She cried harder as he now pointed the gun right between her eyes. "Do you want to die?" she whimpered at the clicking of the gun, "Last chance."</p><p>She removed the ring and threw it to the ground, "Here! Take it!"</p><p>"Thank you, sweetheart." the mugger smiled creepily before shoving her violently to the ground causing Elaine to land face first onto the pavement. She groaned in pain, tears blurring her vision as the mugger finally took off.</p><p> </p><p>Elaine Benes tasted blood in her mouth as she finally gathered the strength to get back on her feet several long seconds later. How many times has she complained in the past about New York being so damn crowded and when she really needed someone's assistance, she was literally on her own? She hissed as she brought her shaking hand to her lower lip. Not only was she sore all over, that had been a pretty bad fall, she was freezing and her fingers were slowly turning into ice. She wiped at her eyes quickly as she bent over with difficulty to gather her scattered belongings. She sniffled loudly scooping her now damp scarf off the ground and quickly wrapped it around her neck. Once her coat was back on and she'd miraculously managed to button up, she hurried to Jerry's place, walking as fast as she possibly could almost tripping on a patch of ice, as she finally stood in front of the building. Although it had been just a few feet away, Elaine felt like she'd walked miles. She groaned as she lifted her arm to press the button. Only when Jerry didn't answer after the third try did she remember he was doing a show in Albany this weekend. "Shit!" her current life situation had taken over her sanity lately so she'd literally forgotten about it.</p><p>Shaken up by the attack and slowly turning into a fucking ice cube, Elaine's physical, emotional and most importantly mental exhaustion got the best of her and she cried harder. She didn't have Jerry's spare key so she didn't have a choice than to just go home and at the moment it was an impossible task. As she sat on the frozen ground crying silently to herself, trying to warm herself up with her coat wrapped around her knees so she wouldn't end up getting pneumonia or worse dying, which if she were honest with herself didn't seem so bad considering what a shitshow her life had become lately, she heard someone calling her name. "Hey, Elaine."</p><p>Only when she looked up did she realize it was Kramer and boy, although she would probably never admit it in public, was she glad to see him.</p><p>She got up clumsily, "Kramer!" she exclaimed.</p><p>"You all right?" he frowned then reacted abruptly at the sight of her bleeding lower lip startling Elaine in the process. She was used to his over the top reactions but considering what she'd gone through just minutes earlier it scared her.</p><p>"What happened to you?!"</p><p>"I was...mugged."</p><p>"Why would they mug you?"</p><p>"Why would they mug ME? Why would they mug anyone? For money!" she snapped at him.</p><p>"B-But you don't have any!"</p><p>She groaned in exasperation, "I know!"</p><p>She wiped at her eyes managing to stop crying. Somehow Kramer's presence calmed her, she felt safe. He couldn't stop staring at her face and his concern over her almost made her want to cry again. "You know, I think we ought to call the cops. I mean-"</p><p>She refused, "No. it would be useless I didn't even look at the guy and..." she stammered shifting from one foot to the other, "...and I don't want to do this."</p><p>She sniffled loudly, it was so cold she could see her breath. "Kramer, I'm freezing."</p><p>"You want to come inside?"</p><p>"Could you let me into Jerry's?"</p><p>"You got it."</p><p>They stood in the elevator five minutes later. Elaine watched as Kramer pushed the button to his floor. He heard Elaine groan as she touched her lip.</p><p>"Shouldn't you go to a doctor to have it checked out?"</p><p>"For this? Yeah, no, I'll pass."</p><p>"That looks nasty." he even made a face, "Why don't you let me take a look?"</p><p>She moved back as he tried to check it out, "Uh, no. Thank you. It's okay."</p><p>"Come on! You can't stay disfigured like that!" as usual, his tactlessness was on point.</p><p>She tried to shove him but her sore arm made her unable to and she gave in.</p><p>"Uh, fine."</p><p>Elaine followed Kramer to his door then inside his apartment. It was so incredibly messy, she retracted his offer. “You know what uh, just give me the key to Jerry's place.” she stammered, "I'll take care of it myself, you know?"</p><p>"No." before she could react, he took her hand and led her further inside his apartment to the bathroom. "I have the stuff."</p><p>"But Kramer-"</p><p>"Ahh!" he stopped her with his hand, "No but!"</p><p>Flicking the bathroom light on, he marched over to the medicine cabinet and pulled it open. The fact that it was neatly organized compared to the gigantic mess his apartment was took Elaine by surprise. "I take my medicine cabinet very seriously."</p><p>"As one should."</p><p>She glanced around the room quickly only to notice a box of carrots at the bottom of his shower.</p><p>"Uh, Kramer. Why do you have carrots in your bathroom?"</p><p>"Remember, my shower is also a garbage disposal." he even turned it on to show her how it worked.</p><p>Now she knew her friend was a screwball but she couldn't help but chuckle at this.</p><p>She hissed suddenly as a sharp pain reminded her of her injury. He grabbed a blue bottle that looked somewhat suspicious and she took a step back as after he soaked a cotton ball in it, Kramer tried applying it to her lip. “Will you come here? It's me. I won't hurt you.”</p><p>Reluctantly, she let him apply the cotton ball to her lip. She groaned in pain. She said nothing as he wiped the blood slowly.</p><p>"Okay. Now that's much better." he exclaimed throwing the blood soaked cotton ball in his shockingly empty waste basket. "Does it feel any better?"</p><p>She had to admit, it didn't hurt as bad and she told him. "Now you look like a human being again."</p><p>"Not bad for a hipster doofus, huh?"</p><p>They smiled at each other.</p><p>Elaine glanced at her watch, "You know, I should get going..uh," she began to leave and he followed her, "It's late and uh..I hate to ask this but, could I borrow a few bucks from you? I'm gonna take a cab and go home."</p><p>He didn't feel right letting her leave, "Are you sure you don't want to call the cops? That's serious stuff, Elaine."</p><p>His common sense and lucidity was so unlike him, she wasn't used to it. Elaine shook her head nonetheless, refusing again. "I promise I'll pay you back-"</p><p>She was about to thank him for his help when he heard her stomach growl. Despite what happened, she was still hungry. She hadn't eaten anything since breakfast.</p><p>"Are you hungry?"</p><p>"Famished."</p><p>"Say, I could treat you to a pizza. Would you be up for it?"</p><p>"What kind?"</p><p>"Any kind you want. Remember I make my own."</p><p>She shrugged, what the hell? Who would turn down free food? </p><p>"All right. Why not."</p><p>Immediately, Kramer took her in his arms, embracing her so tightly Elaine couldn't move.</p><p>"Kramer, you're chocking me."</p>
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